The Answers To Everything

Lets take a closer look.

2006-01-10T13:21:00.000+10:00

Its so damn hot and sticky, reading this you are probably unwilling to imagine. So I will give your eyes an image to convey the feeling

Now that we have established that it is hot and sticky. What does this mean? What answers are hidden and derivable from such a state.

Well bullshnaks to this question. Questions I don't have time for, it's the answers that I want and you the internet reader is here for, cool, unadulterated, succulent, throat spazming answers.

So what is "Hot", as in "this hot is killing me", "the hot here sucks", "the transfer of hot has three forms", or "the hot coming from the sun is really making the sky heat".

Lets take a closer look at what hot is diagramismatically:

This is an image of Air Particulates before hot is introduced.

The Particles are moving around in a frequency that is random from the matter inside the air blobs. Remembering this is a diagram of a theoretical hotness level of ANH "Absolute Nothing Hot"

For the purposes of description and imagery we will diagramate this theoretical state. Although it should be noted that even though this state is not physically possible, it reaches close to this state in Freezers, some Penguins, Tasmania, Ice-blocks and Frozen tennis sweat.

So I imagine you’re wondering how green dots can represent air particulates. Well my dear evil skeptic, you need to realize that microscopes can see things your eyes cannot and if you were to look at air under a microscope you would see the green spots. I'm not talking about a cheap $50 microscope from Target either. I'm talking hard core Twelve Thousand dollar microscope that you need to buy from broke scientists that cannot pay the bills. And I got one, so deal.

Hotness as represented here is equal to 3 Degrees Celsius, or empirically "34 and 19/26ths of a inch past fahrenheit @ 4 feet and 36/11ths of a penny above the datum".

Lets just say not very hot.

As you can plainly see this is hot, not very hot, but about as hot as this = >

Ok now I will show how increasing (Upping) amounts of Hotness looks in our air particles. This is simply achieved by it being a bloody hot day and the appearance of more hotness particles.

This is 20 Degrees Celsius and the most common hot, a nice amount of hot to experince.

Hotness particles are essentially little sun particles. Where the sun breaks apart under it's own gigantic mass so that little (Miniscopic) suns contaminate the air and burn hot on our inner feeling tentacles

We will now witness a representation of how hot it is where I live.

WOW! This is seriously hot. You can see that the amount of sun particles here is inundating the air particles. to the point where they almost look like little pizzas. This is known as the "Giuseppe Phenomenon". A phrase coined from famous heat scientist Giuseppe Plank.

Giuseppe Plank determined that, "when hotness particles reach a threshold of considerable everywhereness to the point where one cannot almost not see any air particles, even with my really good microscope, a pizza could cook in the air for a time if allowed, without proper yeast control." - G.P. 1397

The Giuseppe Phenomenon, uses this equation

Where

pu = Pizza's Upping and FM = Air particles moving

Therefore we can derive that the amount of Pizza's upping is proportional to the squiggle symbol that represents that Pizza's = Sun Particles minus the pg0cos of Pi in seconds over two Lanterns.

One might expect this might make it too hot for humans to breathe or swim in a world that would be molten lava. As I first thought, until I realized the third line of the equation. Which is a simplex decavity function of the original theorem (the first line). Which proves;

Y pizza over the Y sun particle minus one times U of the squiggle factor, times itself without the squiggle factor or minus one, minus squiggle factor times itself with T over seconds in the Squiggle of the particle itself (K) and T representing Tequila

Equals! (Without a doubt)

EH (Everywhere hot) minus the pizza square of four particles square B tequila squared Tee-pee Tequila.

So now you understand the undeniable truth of hot. What can we do about it?

Who can we blame?

The Sun God? The Homeless? The Nazi Sympathizers? The Undead?

Ofcoursenot, we use "Technology"(tm) to alter the worlds we live in. As I have employed with the aid of this glorious little item called a "Coolbot"

This miracle invention, a device made by a god among men, transforms hot into cold as if by magic! Now, in the dark ages many things we perceive as common science today - back then were seen as evil witchcraft that would condemn a person to a ritual burning or ... sacrifice to a worshiped false idol. Not unlike today’s treatment of scientific phenomena, this reaction although logical and spectacular, prevented wizards and magic men of legitimizing their evil conjurings. This is likely a reason of the current days retardation of equatorial region populations and overabundance of reality TV shows.

It's technology like Coolbot that breaks free of traditional scare mongering and gives relief to thousands of mentally handicapped people living close to the equator.

How does this magic robot work? Well it's simple really;

Now this simple schematic may not be your cup of tea, as far as "Understanding Magic" goes, so I will try and break it down for you. Using ... The Magic of the Internet!

As you can plainly see, the infected air on the left is what we know as hotness in the air. The Coolbot actually draws in the hotness using a vacuum mechanism powered by vacuutricity. Thus being its reason for existence. Without a belly of hot molten lava and a source of more sun particles, the Coolbots are likely to turn against their masters and murder us in our sleep. I am aware this is a terrifying notion but because of the unlimited number of sun particles around us this will never happen, except in Tasmania where special attention is required

The Coolbot uses the Molten lava to create it's own vacuutricity and therefore does not need food. The heart of the unit is the actual "Magic Box" part is the miraculous feat of engineering that rivals that of anything known to man.

Using compacted Gerisam-mulitcabeitous fibers that fluoresce to the same light frequency of disposed sun particles, on a molecular level, rip the miniature sun's out of the frigid virgin air. Which are normally connected quite securely by their bisucculent bonds.

My excellent microscope gives us the ability to see such a thing, as you will see in this image

Now that you have established these answers you are now prepared to see the world, with new more open eyes. Things don't just happen, they happen with the help of magic robots..

Today was interesting.....

2005-12-27T23:54:00.000+10:00

Captains Blog, Stardate, numbers letters numbers

Today was an interesting day, I met someone, someone so incredibly interesting it hurts my cerebellum to think about it. Yet I endure this tremendous pain to write about it for you! The reader, who wishes to know all.

So I was walking to get some survival supplies from the Army disposals and I came across this man on the street who was scratching letters into a wooden power pole. He was angry, very angry at something. I touched his shoulder, softly, like he was made of bubbles, to see if we would respond to the energies that have been given to me ever since “the accident”.

He violently gnashed his girly fingernails at me and scratched my face. It knocked the iPod headphone plugs out of my ears and I could not hear the emo teen rock I was listening to anymore. The dry bland static hiss of reality forcefully entered my mind in some descriptive poetic fashion.

Alas the man turned to look at me. He was a hideous man full of facial contempt and disdain of my presence.

The mood was chilling so chilling in fact that it affected the universe around us and it bought on an ice age. Our surroundings, now covered in snow. The man told me of a winter where he was in a similar situation and he made a snowball of anger and threatened passers by with the icy wrath of this disasterball. He showed me an image of that day, in which he kept a photo in his bag.

I asked why he was so angry because, I really cared for this stranger, I really really cared so much that it makes me weep at night, my pillow, ever-damp with tears. Now a single tear fell down my cheek in front of him

I must have struck a nerve with this man. Why? Because he reached into his bag, perhaps for a gun I first thought, but alas it was just another picture. He screamed to me “THIS IS THE DAY I WAS HAPPIEST!” and smacked the photo into my face. I picked the photo off the ground, my face throbbing from the impact

Suddenly the image washed away my pain and sadness, for it was the happiest moment, my eyes ever captured. Raptured splendour washed over me like some rusty caravan park shower water. This moment that I was experiencing had me elated and confused. I noticed from the corner of my eye, this man was creaping towards some kind of stone monster. What was this abomination he was edging towards? Some kind of sick twisted magic from the depths of the nevar realm? I decided this suprenatural occurance was too much for me, especialy since that time I think I saw a ghost at grandmothers house.

I screamed "STOP RIGHT THERE MISTER! Dont try any funny magic stuff on me I wont fall for it."

He just stood there smiling at me, mentioned, "Oh this thing is magically enclosed in a barrier of warding". Like that is supposed to mean anything. I don't trust this man anymore, i suspect his beard had somehow dissapeared, hmmm, hard to be sure.

No, there it was, as prickely as a cactus, taunting me with the individual strands of grey wisdom in which he derives his magical powers.

So, he invites me back to his place, right. Like you'd think what the hell is this stranger asking me back to his place for? Well I read in a book somewhere that gay men cannot posses powers of magic because of some kind of mana or spiritual power leakage they are subject to. Should be fine I guess.

So, I figure it's all cool, right. I mean he might try and cut me into little emo dinner snacks. But I figured he was not that type becasue of his beard.

So, I get to his place, right. And hes just sitting there, starring at me. With a stuffed dog on his leg. Just starring at me! And his beard had dissapeard!

And then his dog starts looking at me funny... Like it's waiting for me to start some trouble.

Now I'm really freaking out at this stage. This guys beard, the one thing that told me he was safe, had dissabeard and his dog was trying to mess with my vibe.

So then the dude's like, "Hey chill-out man. My beard's all good, b-cat, no need to explode the buzz we're ridin, I gots some coolidge papres with letters, pictures and numbers on em if you're crusin my jive" Finally things started making sense to me.

"Sweet" I thought to myself, this dude is just hanging out chillin wid his homies, probably smellin of bud. I approached and walked towards him to smell the bud, if indeed he be chongin any.

OH SHIT! I'd been fooled!

"Hey man it's way more comfortable with my jeans off" he tried to explain to me.

Na na na na naaaa, Fool me once, no-beard me twice. This, 'little emo that could', got out of this dudes house as quickly as a metaphor about something moving really quickly and his dog was just lying there like nothing was wrong!

Tadpoles to that dog and good riddance. That dude was messed up. No beard - big beard! Either my constant halucinations hadn't given up since "the accident" or this guy was WAY out of line.

So I'm run - ning and he ... jum - ps in fron - t of me. He ... has birds growing out of him for some ... reason. Story story story something to do with birds graft-ed to him becasue of some reaso-n with a scientist or someth-ing.

And then I was like "Dude, you'll never score that chick, she's like way out of your league dude and besides her boyfriend's right there and he wont like it. He wont like it one bit dude! I wouldn't come between those two man, they're the hotest couple on the block!"

But he just did this; gangster limp, up to this chick and cruised off with her, arm in arm. I was like "Aww Dawg! you totally ganked that dude and hes tryin to get her back"

This guy was the pimp I never knew. Perhaps he gave off this first impression to scare me away from his pimping exploits. Yeah, 'take my jeans of to be more comfortable' or some shit. Like all that magic stuff was not really magic but just a distraction, like Seigfried and Roy but less gay, like David Copperfield, or maybe not.

Anyway he got the better of me, there's some kind of deep and meaningful reason I experienced this, I'd surely need to listen to some emo teen rock to really get the meaning of it.

So dude walks off into the sunset like in some story about some stuff that was all good, but before he reaches the sunset ... he stops ... to look at me one last time ... to size me up ... to say goodbye in that manly way that has no words ... but just a look .. that man.